


At First Touch

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Doubt, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:58:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: A chance meeting brings Castiel and Sam closer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Set in season four. Originally posted to Livejournal in 2009.

_The Boy with the Demon Blood._ It had pained Castiel to say those words, true though they were. But rather him than Uriel, who’s distrust of Sam shone out like a beacon.

Castiel wished their first meeting had gone better, for Sam Winchester was truly the most fascinating of his Father’s creations. His faith was tempered by a mind that was always questioning, always seeking answers and in those few moments where their skin touched Castiel desperately wanted to share his knowledge.

But instead he turned away, keeping his mind on the task at hand. And he feared the moment lost.

* * * *

But God really did work in mysterious ways. At least, that was how Castiel planned to reflect on how it was that he and Sam Winchester both happened to find themselves praying in the same church, a week after the Anna debacle.

Castiel had felt his presence deep within him the moment Sam had stepped over the threshold and for a moment, one heart-wrenching moment of genuine doubt, he had considered disappearing before Sam noticed him. But it was squashed as quickly as all his other misgivings; and if it disturbed him that they were now so numerous that he was becoming experienced at ignoring them, well, he ignored that too.

Instead he kept his head low and bowed, and absolutely did not pause to consider whether such an act was now blasphemous. He tried not to think about how simple his existence used to be before he met the Winchesters. Regret was almost as dangerous an indulgence as pride.

Sam’s footsteps echoed on the stone floor and brought Castiel back to himself. He had taken a seat near the front and to the right, hidden away enough that Sam would probably not have realised that anyone else was present when he first entered.

His suspicion was proven correct when he heard Sam’s steps falter and he moved to turn away, no doubt to give the supposed human time to himself.

“Sam,” Castiel said, standing up, “there is no need for you to leave.”

Sam turned back and stared at Castiel without saying anything. Castiel lowered his eyes from Sam’s. The doubt he saw reflected in them hurt more than he could have imagined.

“I didn’t realise it was you,” Sam finally said, his voice a soft monotone.

“If you need to pray, I won’t disturb you,” Castiel said. He motioned towards the seats on the left hand side of the church, his eyes still not quite meeting Sam’s own.

“I just needed…answers, I suppose.” He huffed a soft laugh and Castiel could immediately see the resemblance between the two brothers. “But I guess this is probably the wrong place for that.”

Sam wore his disappointment like a shield and Castiel was unsure if there was any way for him to get through to the younger man. But just as equally he knew he had to try.

“Sam, I know that we are not what you were expecting…”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Sam muttered bitterly.

Castiel hung his head and silently asked for guidance before continuing. “But it is not our fault that humanity’s perception of angel’s has been shaped by others for their own ends. We are as we have always been. Punishment for disobedience must be swift. When…I….We were all there when Lucifer was sent to Hell, Sam. We know in a way you cannot possibly imagine just how much of an abomination a Fallen angel is. What it is like to have the full force of God’s wrath upon you.”

Sam looked at him curiously, his desire to be angry on Anna’s behalf warring with this chance to properly ask an angel all the questions that had been bothering him since Dean’s return.

“But Anna was human.”

“If she were fully human she would not have started to remember being an angel.”

Sam considered that, but didn’t seem swayed by the argument. Castiel couldn’t blame him, he had not wanted to be the one to go after her, but once the Winchester’s had become involved, his hands had been tied. “You could have tried to help her. You’re _supposed_ to help people.”

Castiel sighed. “We are God’s soldiers first and foremost, Sam. It is Him we obey. Any other considerations, any,” he struggled for the word, “any mercy we show is at his behest, not our own.”

Sam walked a few steps towards Castiel, his face open and eager. “So if we need help, if we get hurt or trapped fighting your fight, the fight that you guys started, then you’ll what? Wait till God tells you it’s okay to help us? How is that right? How is that just?”

He was close to Castiel now, close enough that Castiel could see how tightly his jaw clenched and how his Adam’s apple moved each time Sam swallowed down the harsher words Castiel could see flittering behind his eyes.

“I would not let anything happen to you,” Castiel swore, his tone and expression deadly serious. “Or Dean,” he added quickly.

Sam was breathing hard and suddenly seemed to realise just how close he was to the angel. He took a step back, hitting his legs against one of the pews and cursing softly under his breath. Castiel knitted his brows at the blasphemy but he didn’t say anything. Some battles he knew were not worth fighting.

“And if you’re ordered to kill `the one with the demon blood?’ What then?”

Castiel tilted his head. He had expected this question and still he had no answer. He _should_ say that he would obey his Father’s word no matter what, but for the first time such words stuck in his throat and he wondered if this was what being human felt like – never being sure which emotion you should let guide you.

“I hope it doesn’t come to that, Sam,” he finally settled on. It was as neutral a statement as he could allow himself, especially standing here, in a House of God.

Sam seemed to understand though, for which Castiel was grateful. “Dean would never help you if you did.” It was a simple statement of fact but it rent at Castiel’s being in such a way he had to turn away from Sam and look towards the front of the church, his request for guidance now an urgent plea. “Cas?” Sam whispered.

“It must be nice. To know that there is always someone who will put you first.” It wasn’t what he had wanted to say at all, but spending so long tied inside his vessel was starting to cloud his judgement.

Sam took a step forward and placed his hand on Castiel’s arm. “Aren’t the angels your brothers?”

Castiel ducked his head. “Yes. And in our true forms our bonds are great. But here, on Earth,” he shrugged and moved away from Sam’s touch, even though he wanted nothing more than to lean into it. “It is different.”

“It must be lonely,” Sam said.

Castiel turned to look at him then, and saw only compassion and a deep-rooted need to believe. Castiel could see now that Sam needed there to be absolute goodness _somewhere_ in the Universe, otherwise he was in real danger of becoming an asset to Lucifer and his ilk.

“It is what it must be,” the angel replied.

Sam took a step towards him, and then another. His eyes stayed on Castiel’s face, as if he were afraid the angel would sprout his wings and fly away.

“I can imagine what it must be like. To be different. To have no one understand, least of all those that are closest to you. Dean and I…so much has happened and sometimes I feel like we’ll never understand each other again.” Sam’s eyes glistened and Castiel wanted nothing more than to stop the tears before they had begun. And so he leaned forward and kissed him, surprising himself as much as Sam.

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said immediately as he pulled away. “I don’t know….”

But Sam didn’t let him finish, pulling him back into another kiss which he took control of this time. Castiel floundered for a moment, unsure of what he was going to do with his arms, but then he relaxed and let his vessels muscle memory take over, his hands settling against Sam’s waist as he moved forward. The kiss was a gentle exploration at first but then became more heated, as Sam parted Castiel’s lips and pushed his tongue inside Castiel’s mouth. The moan he was rewarded with sent a pleasant shiver down Sam’s spine.

“This is a very bad idea,” Castiel murmured when he pulled away again, his face flushed and his lips bruised.

Sam shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”

Castiel gave a small smile and Sam’s heart skipped a beat; he’d begun to think that Castiel was only capable of dour expressions. “I should still go, before I completely forget myself.”

Sam moved his hand under Castiel’s shirt until he could touch at the flesh beneath. “Is that really what you want?” he asked.

Castiel swallowed hard. It would be so easy. All he would need to do was push Sam back against the pews and take him. He could already taste the sweat on Sam’s skin, feel the rush of euphoria as his body moulded with the other man’s. He closed his eyes and then regretfully took a step back.

“I cannot help you, or Dean, if I am Fallen, Sam. I have already come far closer than I dare.” He sighed and looked away into the distance. “I can sense the Archangel’s are displeased with me.”

Sam looked around the church warily. The last thing he wanted was to get in the middle of another angel smackdown.

And when he turned back, Castiel was gone.


End file.
